The Experience of Illness

9 December 2009

Wednesday


Everyone needs a Czech saint like St. Agnes of Bohemia when they are ill and need to be tended.

Yesterday I didn’t post anything to this forum as I became rather ill. I came to my office, but only laid on a couch all day long and took phone calls. Other than that, I was spectacularly unproductive. I have no idea exactly what kind of sickness I have, but it hit me pretty hard yesterday.

Just before I became ill I had several promising ideas in my head that I had planned to write down in a notebook, but as illness overcame me I didn’t get to writing them down and now I have lost all but one. I didn’t even feel strong enough to listen to a book on tape during my commute; I drove around the Portland area on my usual business errands in silence. Such is the weakness of the flesh, and the mind, being grounded in the flesh of the brain, follows. A malady of the body can make itself felt in the mind, just as a malady of the mind can make itself felt in the body.

I have often thought about the experience of illness because whenever I experience illness it strikes me as changing my perspective on the world dramatically. When I am sick, my thinking changes. I am no longer racing ahead from one idea to another, trying to take in as much knowledge as the day will allow, I find myself merely trying to survive from the beginning of the day to its end, and getting to bed without delay in order to maximize the time I can sleep. This reminds me, in retrospect, of my description of making the one thousand foot climb from the parking area on Cotopaxi to the Refugio José Ribas. Regarding this experience I wrote:

This brief experience of climbing at over 14,000 feet reduced me to a state of near total idiocy within the space of five minutes. I found myself focusing exclusively on the rasping sound of my breath and where I would put my foot next. The whole climb came to seem so impossible that I looked only to the next rock that was large enough to serve as a place to rest. Climbing even this short distance was like a personal odyssey, as though I was utterly trapped within the private confines of my skull, where the sound of my breath inside my head was the most prominent feature of my experience, while the sound of the wind outside my head blocked out all contact with the rest of the world.

While my recent illness has not involved a strong wind cutting off my communication with the outside world, some of the features of that experience make sense in relation to illness, especially as the primary symptom I am presently experiencing is fatigue. One experiences fatigue in making a physical effort at 14,000 feet, and one experiences fatigue attempting to go about the ordinary business of life while ill.

In a state of sickness, one’s horizons are dramatically constricted. In my Variations on the Theme of Life I called this the Weltanschauung of illness, and devoted two aphorisms to the topic, as follows:

100

What is to be learned from weakness.—With every infirmity I experience, I recognize in myself a former arrogance.

101

The Weltanschauung of illness.—Sickness fundamentally alters one’s condition and changes one’s relation to the world. In the vigor of one’s health it is difficult to imagine an indifference to life, yet most have had the experience of being so ill that one doesn’t care if one lives or dies. After the sickness has passed, it is difficult to recapture this frame of mind—impossible to fully inhabit it.

Thus the experience of illness can even have a moral quality by making us aware of the arrogance of health taken for granted and making it possible for us to better understand the condition of those for whom illness is the rule rather than the exception. But, as I noted in the above aphorism, it is so difficult to recapture of feeling of indifference to life from the point of view of one’s full vitality, an especially vivid a priori imagination is necessary to understand others even with whom we share some experiences.

I have written about Collingwood’s a priori imagination in relation to the philosophy of history on several occasions (for example, in Krakauer on McCandless where I also suggested a broader interpretation), and it strikes me now that the a priori imagination is not merely a tool for coming to understand the past, but it is a tool, a though experiment, however imperfect, for understanding the other, whether the other is rendered other in virtue of being past for for any other reason of otherness.

Yesterday several people told me how awful I looked, but as it would push the bounds of good taste to post a photograph of myself in a state of sickness, I will refrain from that unflattering indulgence.

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Grand Strategy Annex

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One Response to “The Experience of Illness”

  1. southwerk said

    I hope you are feeling much better. Illness seems to slow your writing only a little. jp

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